St@y up Late Night

again stay up late at night, is no longer that the number that can count

the sun just rise, suddenly felt as want a shoulder to lend on, but i know that is impossible to ask others lend a shoulder during this period. I realize that the reality does not allow me to self-wiled. this make me felt want to get some concerned from others to make me felt not lonely and no longer fight in a person. The vulnerable and afraid feel make me felt hate to myself which is totally different from the usual of myself.












pick up the phone, i just realize there is few people that could i to contact so. No one is willing my call, no one is sacrificed time from sweet dream to listen to me. Feel so pity to myself, the full list of the contact in the photo book is just like that. Finally, i phone the closest person to me------my mother.

~~~~BEEP~~~~BEEP~~~~BEEP~~~~

no one even pick.......my last hope is vanished in the air the same time. I forced to face the reality and continue memorize all the words that show in front of my laptop screen. I keep forcing myselg to fulfill with as much as i could in the brain. Tired~~tired~~~i m really tired~~~but keep forcing myself not to fall asleep and once again i try to press on the button and call to the same number.












The time that i again feel disappointing and thought want to hang up so, there is respond from another side. The voice from mum is warmed and calmed my heart. The nagging from her, the greeting from her, the concern from her totally fulfill my loneliness in my heart. This cause me no longer scare, no longer vulnerable, no longer panic, no longer hesitation. I lead to brave and face my own vulnerability~~~~

Leave HIM

every time i told myself, next time i will be take more efforts
but there is again unlimited next time i give to myself
is that i try to avoid so?or i don't want to change at all?
may be is because i used to be, so i m lazy on make a change
at last today i got the determination for no next time for myself
but is this is the last time, today is the last time....
don't know why suddenly i seemed not willing to do so
is just like something important going to disappear in my life so
is that because he always in my life since the beginning?
i already used to spend my time with him
feel sad because he no longer take part in my life but i said to myself

"tomorrow will be better even without him take part in my life, i can still live in happy!"











PS:Thought want to have my second last cup of coffee just now, whose knows my laptop rebut with me. At last, he bath with coffee which can smoother his skin and i need to use hairdryer to help him dry his body so....(T.T)

Peaceful sleep

hot~~~hot~~~hot~~~
the weather was hot recently
this indirectly influence on my mood so
the environmental create a worst situation
even is sitting without doing anything still sweating
hot~~~hot~~~hot~~~
today i nap for 4 hours so very sufficient so
yesterday slept late and whole day tired reading articles
this morning cant sleep late so, weather hot~~~mp3 loud~~
lucky just now there was a rain
a rain that create a well environment and good condition
never sleep so well before this 3 weeks~~~
cold condition no noise....no disturb call.....no mp3 no guitar....
everything run smooth and peaceful.....nice sleep
after awake from sleep i know that must be another spirit
study on my exam so....nice weather but i no longer sleepy so...
sleep perfect enough, perfect peaceful without disturb so...
no headache, eat fully, high spirit to study so~~~gambateh!!

a reCognition

feel suspected to myself, is that really my problem?
why people surrounding me keep hiding and discuss behind of me?
...............
this few days i got the answer so
i can tell loudly to everyone so
"is not my problem, is yours, is you all so"
since the beginning i thought all along is my problem
all the time what i did and think is different from others
you all look at me like i m the weird people in the society
suddenly i got a confidence and is just like the approve
i know my way to go, i choose my way my own
i believe the way i want to go so even it might be slightly different from others
suddenly i found that i m not the one i m for 3days ago
i know my way clear for now, no one can decide and influence me so
i believe no matter what is happen in the future i still believe in my choice...

The day after tomorrow

now my mood already totally just like the feel
" the day after tomorrow"
since most of the comment hear from others all is negative
how m i going to survive for tomorrow?
even i got the confidence to myself....but may be is not enough so
the feel of unsafe that deep inside is not away yet
now i m search for the light in the darkness
which can prove to the "yes and success"
waiting for the sun to come tomorrow~~~