Human born to be alone and lonely

Why a person who living good alone is a kind of fault in others view point?

 People surrounding always have a mind that single that person must be had some personal problem. A person in single status can be a lot of reason. Single not means that the person is problem and single can be an excellent and impressive person

Single is a choice. We chosen to be single rather than the single to choose us.

 "Single" for most of the people is alone and lonely but they never notice that there are happiness and freedom that only single can have it. May be you will told that "If you were sick, how good if there is someone to take care and care about yourself." Yes, you are right. But seem like human forgot that we live is for alone and lonely, forgot they were born to alone and lonely. There is no one forever to be stay beside with anyone. That should be the reason why human keep looking for the another  missing of themselves to forgot the alone and lonely. So, as long as we are still alive lonely and alone forever will not leaving us.

At least that is a memories for you to recall the past

This world is amazing and fantastic so, the nature is keep changing. World is full with all kind of endless changes possible happened. Favourite for moment now might become dislike in a second after, love for moment now might became a hate, is yours but might happened not belong to you in time of blinding your eye. Is all happened might just in a short time until you didn't realize and believe that can happened just in a short while. So, I never force myself to get something that not belong to me and never put any effort for something that not always be mine no matter is memories, thing or human. This doesn't means I was cruel, but is the time to change me and the environment make me grow up. Suddenly, I understand that once was so beautiful but we never got the chance to back to the past. If now that is what you like or love,used all your strength to like or love until one day, you realized that you no longer like or love, I believe at least that is a memories for you to recall the past

I thought.....

I thought I would be good, I thought would be cool,
I thought I not too concerned about it, I thought won't sad, mad, heart pain
I thought I would be very strong to live alone, but it seems I no longer able to laugh when I' m alone
specially the time when i was alone the tears will be like the waves came surging like rough
I thought tears sliding down because of gravity
So I try a lot of silly way to avoid the tears fall from cheek
Finally I found a way that I thought it will work
that is as long as I lying back on the floor and the tear won't fall due to gravity level
I believed the tears will flow back into the eyes, will not slide down
but it still failed, it still has way to fall face again
Even is painful, even sad, even mad, but I still brave to face the decision i choose
Break your heart is my fault, I am sorry about it
I don't wish to hurt once again on you before I think about it detail, if yes so I won't be able to forgive myself for this time at all
I'm sorry about hurting you ~ ~

Mirror in the heart

how important your position in my heart that can make me to share you every secret in my heart? i don't want you to disappeared from my world at all. the love from you make me feel helpless and confuse. at last, i found that my heart is always rely on you so much. even though can said you just like a mirror to myself, but when face you i know what i really want so clearly. somehow will scare that you are understand myself well better than i understand myself so. You just like the mirror in my heart make me a bit surprise , a bit scare, a bit happy. thump thump....my heart is beating more powerful and make i feel doubt that i m still alive?? wondering why this world have a person understand better than the person herself? is that my soul already out half from myself or i only half of myself since beginning??

Wondering

my heart still wondering what i m decided is the correct?
wondering what i hear is just a sweet dream?
when the sunrise i coming everything is come back to normal
that was just a dream for me....
is really unrealistic for me and hard for me to accept so
may be is not because others not confidence to me
but is myself not confidence to myself so
even now already promise to receive the task and responsibility
but i m still wondering my decision is that right?
can you help me to gain my confidential on myself to trust that my decision was right

Voice of a Bird

in front of me are fog,i stop at the branches waiting because i can't see though the distinguish
my head keep turning left and right, i don't know the right direction of it to me
trying to away from the insecure feel but doesn't success
thinking to fly free in the sky, but I'm hesitant
open up my wings, but i' m looking back to the past of myself
how naive and happiness i can just bounce on the branches without any worry
but want me back to past of myself, i really not willing so
don't want to fear of loneliness by forever not leaving my home
don't want because of anyone and let go the chance to learn flying myself
don't want to fear of falling and let myself to avoid from facing
don't want because of any concerns that influence me for missed any rainbow at every corner of the life

may i give myself three wish for this year??

few days more will be rabbit year so, we are sending away tiger year and welcome to rabbit year
unconsciously I m going to experience the second rabbit year in my life so
may i asked the wish for who born in rabbit year will come true this year?
if really so, i won't greedy, i only want to give myself three wish for this year
.......recited silently my wish in my heart......
if there is a god, i hope that you can hear my desire
help me to identify the best direction for me, so that i won't lost and hovering in the crossroad
help me protect all my most treasured, so that i won't feel insecure and anxious
give me the strength and give me the courage to face whatever happened, so that i won't regret to make the decison

m i CHanged to another of me??

people telling me that i m changing
think think think.....erm...erm...erm
m i changed so from the previous of myself???
i don't think so...
may be yes for some small change due to environment
i admit that there is a small changing in myself
like in term of living style, such as
i change to schedule on time sleep and wake up
i change from need people wake up and now no so
i change from listening mandarin song but now less (signal receive radio mandarin no good here)
i change from join plan and now plan myself
even there is a small change due to environment but i m still myself
i m having fun for my new life at penang here and quite enjoy with it even sometimes will miss my home and my dog....
now i can make decision due to myself and thank to them for trust me so much in my decision.....

14/1/2011, friday

a lot happened on this date. firstly, early in the morning found that the house is being throw so act and modernist like a painting drawing on the wall.....














followed by the lunch should be take 90 minutes but we take 150 minute to finish because we go buy iphone 4 and this become a secret me and those guy with me go out eat. we told others that car cannot start after we ate....kekeke....














end of the days of friday is the annual dinner of my company internship.

a Legend Story about Black Rose

a legend about the black rose has been growth of the peak on the Mount McKinley
it also known as the thorn rose, hovering flower, assassin, mandrel rose
it always been in the beautiful growth in the peak of the cliff
its has a poison thorn once thorn can cause the died
but human always been attracting by its beauty
but human always been fascinate for its charming
but human always been fighting to get close to it
although there were the beautiful exterior hides dangerous lethal at the back
but there were always people that approached it because of it charming
even they will lose their life but they still expense to do so

concave?microscope?

when two people is far from each others, everything they look like a concave
every imperfect became perfect,they won't requested anything from opponent side
however, when this two people getting close, they look everything like through microscope
every imperfect is enlarging, they not willing to accommodate each others anymore
why do human always willing people surrounding to change?
even the strength at the beginning, after the time pass at last the advantages become the weakness
even though they are maintaining their own self, but then still get the complain
if they change getting worst then complain is acceptable
but then really not understand no change also make the fault decision?
or want to getting worst, others only will miss the previous of the person?
many people wish that others can follow up same step with ourselves
if really this happened so then forever won't be conflict or trouble
have you all think before, if everyone is ourselves,then that will be a situation that myself is no longer myself because this world have a billion million of myself
then what is the different between clone? we are no different between machine and clone
why do human hard to agree with others people?why do human always think that are right?
change others is no easy, but then we can change ourselves thinking
try open up our minds and use another angle to look at the same case that troubling you
may be will get something else not at the surface and get know more from it?why don't try on it?

Trouble Life

Suddenly a question that asked by a friend come in my mind
the same question that being asked for several times
but then every time only perfunctory on it
open up the window and put the head outside the window
let the cold wind blow on my face continuous
rise up my head and look at the shining star hang on the sky
don't understand what i want and mind blurred
feel like got something that not clear and forgotten
repeatably think on it but still cannot get an answer
why don't understand must understand it only will happy?
why blurred must be after clear only can get the target?

trouble life~~~

heart control mind? mind control heart?

most people admit is a heart controller
sometimes even know is wrong to follow feeling in heart
but they will did so even know the ending will be trouble
they are not strong enough stand against it
is really hard for those who are heart controller
to stop having the feeling on someone
to stop caring or mind on something
even some times the mind controller also lose to the heart
they lost rational and just floating according to evil heart wish

heart control mind? mind control heart?
which should be better?
heart tell mind action according to feeling
mind tell heart action according to rational thinking

if you are suffer because of heart controlling your mind
just use your mind to control your heart
just need to enlarger and enlarger the evil and bad of the things
you will less suffer compare to follow your heart feeling
like the hourglass just reverse on it and let everything back to origin
if you still fail use your mind to control your heart feeling
just take throw away or leaving away from the things
like throwing the hourglass and destroy it, never let it come nearer to you

if you are suffer then use your mind to control your heart
the decision is on your own hand either you want continue suffer or let it be
no one can help you beside yourself really want to save yourself

High Heeled shoes

to me when listen the words "high heels", my mind will define that murder of my feet
before that i was very hated on them, so i cannot understand what is the reason people love them so much
this two days i was wear them for long hours walk and found it was not that much that i hate so
may be is the right time for me before this two days because i don't really open my heart try on them
now i found the tips and key to walk well with them, them for me now is no longer the obstacle cause me to fall~~~


i realize that the belief in heart can deeply affect our action
a lot of hesitation because not enough firm conviction
a lot of confuse because the target is not clear
a lot of mistake because ourselves is less rational and calm
as long as have the conviction and courage to overcome the determination to face the trouble, we will find the key so~~~

like?love?

"like is a intuition can be stopped and it can allows you to have yourself"
"love is a feeling there is unlimited and it can makes you lose yourself"

this two sentences were deep plant inside the heart and mind is like DNA. It is just like a system automatic reboot when every time in dangerous level. Whenever there is feeling of like, she is enjoying it silently. Just like the Cinderella when come to a certain time period the magic missing then everything will come back to origin. The auto reboot system will help her reboot everything even her feel to someone and let everything start from zero again~~~

is that her problem because of too rational? or she love herself more than others because she want to retains her own self?

discovery......lucky?unlucky?

don't know is lucky or unlucky?
my finger was injured in the accident
now i should say great fortune of misfortune in it!
the unfortunately is the accident cause i can't progress on my work
but the lucky is the injured is not so serious until my finger broken
for this incident, i investigated that the people surrounding worried about me so much
thanks for all who care of me and sorry about to make you worried so
i will try my best to protect myself and avoid myself from getting injury again

in this incident, i found out another different of myself. I discovered that i cannot see myself injury and i cannot see my own bloody. Even when the incident happened, i still can calm down and solve it until the end. But then when thing is solved, i would have the feel of faint and like over tired which have the feel want to fall asleep so.It is the same as the situation after i took injection, i will feel the same thing also.

is that because the blood suddenly loss from my body system? the lack of oxygen cause me faint?is that because i cannot believe that i will injury and i m bleeding?

i don't know is that the reason cause me faint so......
but i will take good care of myself and never let this face of myself appear again
i don't want to get injury, don't want bleeding, don't want to faint and don't want people surrounding worry about me anymore....
i won't again let this "weak" of myself appear again........NO NO NO

St@y up Late Night

again stay up late at night, is no longer that the number that can count

the sun just rise, suddenly felt as want a shoulder to lend on, but i know that is impossible to ask others lend a shoulder during this period. I realize that the reality does not allow me to self-wiled. this make me felt want to get some concerned from others to make me felt not lonely and no longer fight in a person. The vulnerable and afraid feel make me felt hate to myself which is totally different from the usual of myself.












pick up the phone, i just realize there is few people that could i to contact so. No one is willing my call, no one is sacrificed time from sweet dream to listen to me. Feel so pity to myself, the full list of the contact in the photo book is just like that. Finally, i phone the closest person to me------my mother.

~~~~BEEP~~~~BEEP~~~~BEEP~~~~

no one even pick.......my last hope is vanished in the air the same time. I forced to face the reality and continue memorize all the words that show in front of my laptop screen. I keep forcing myselg to fulfill with as much as i could in the brain. Tired~~tired~~~i m really tired~~~but keep forcing myself not to fall asleep and once again i try to press on the button and call to the same number.












The time that i again feel disappointing and thought want to hang up so, there is respond from another side. The voice from mum is warmed and calmed my heart. The nagging from her, the greeting from her, the concern from her totally fulfill my loneliness in my heart. This cause me no longer scare, no longer vulnerable, no longer panic, no longer hesitation. I lead to brave and face my own vulnerability~~~~

a reCognition

feel suspected to myself, is that really my problem?
why people surrounding me keep hiding and discuss behind of me?
...............
this few days i got the answer so
i can tell loudly to everyone so
"is not my problem, is yours, is you all so"
since the beginning i thought all along is my problem
all the time what i did and think is different from others
you all look at me like i m the weird people in the society
suddenly i got a confidence and is just like the approve
i know my way to go, i choose my way my own
i believe the way i want to go so even it might be slightly different from others
suddenly i found that i m not the one i m for 3days ago
i know my way clear for now, no one can decide and influence me so
i believe no matter what is happen in the future i still believe in my choice...

DifFerent From ME

hard to communicate to others may be is my problem
my failed to pass the message even is straight direct
is that possible time i told got alien to disturb make them failed listen?
really cannot understand
dislike is dislike no reason for why is dislike
like is like no reason for why so like the same also
why must know the reason for why like why dislike so
addition this is my own thinking
should be no reason i have no responsible to report anyone
people around totally different thinking from me
there a lot of time for them to "take care" of others business
this make situation hard to communicate
may be can said only i m the one who so DIFFERENT from others

crazY and Lousy Life

again the lousy and crazy life come back to me so fast
assignment, report, psm that receive is become a mountain
no matter how good i work for it but is still like no work at all
now i m madness to continue such unlimited task
is just like i m falling into bottemless
i don't want to save myself and let it keep falling
all the tasks is hanging no matter how hard i work on them
next week will be the test, but what i learn now is nothing
now everyday the most time that i rest is sitting in the bus
that is the most enjoyable time in a whole day
can be sleep deep and really rest without thinking
i don't know when i will move forward and stop falling
but i know for now i get know one thing

"keep working not means success, success not means keep working"

that idea is simple but until now only i understand it....

Speechless

Myself is on my vacation now,but my mood wasn't
Some people that long time didn't meet,i was very miss them
Once the person in front of me,the feel tell me that i wasn't that much miss them so
I always on call with them,there was unlimited title and topic to talk
But once meet and sit down in front,both of us were silent
I don't know why and what is happened so...
May be we are familiar with those feel that far away miss and those feel that hang on call
Suddenly change was only bring the silent situation that to hard for ours to accepted...